Heartbreak and building a home in yourself.
If there was a degree in heartbreaks, your girl would have one.
There’s been a whisper in my head just lately telling me ‘you should write about heartbreak’. My initial response?
‘No, it’s too vulnerable’.
But then I remembered when I watched Brene Browns Ted talk, and she describes it beautifully as ‘Vulnerability is our most accurate measure of courage’.
So here we go.
When I was 21 I experienced heartbreak in a way I thought I would never recover or love again. The feeling of heartbreak, ironically is feeling like your heart is literally breaking, the aching is unbearable. Every waking moment was a struggle, the nights were the worst.
Each heart-wrenching thought of what was triggered a stab to the heart. I remember thinking, “When will this stop? I’m not strong enough for this.
I was though, I just hadn’t found that part of myself yet.
I would go on to have my heartbroken two more times after that….
I don’t say that for sympathy. I say it as a reminder that life does indeed go on. You learn to love again, to heal, and to see these relationships as lessons to grow from. You discover more about yourself. The saying rings true: time does heal.
We dread those sympathetic looks that say “you’ll be okay” when we’re deep in it. I was stubborn, unwilling to confront the discomfort of facing the future without this person. Fear locked me in, consumed by self-pity. Little did I realise, this would turn out to be the greatest blessing in disguise.
Grief
I remember one bleak day in January, the depths of winter. Why do breakups always seem to happen at the most depressing time of the year? As if we don’t have enough on our plate already.
Anyway, I’m walking through the pasta aisle in Morrisons, trying to do a food shop, clutching my trolley for some sort of emotional support. Then it happens—the grief. It hits me, and I start sobbing, right there in the supermarket, holding onto a trolley. Now, this is where you hit ‘like’ button for my incredible vulnerability.
That’s the thing with grief, it swings at you with no warning. Sometimes it comes through a song, tv show, a smell. Maybe like me, it’s casually doing your food shop, an activity you would do together and you find yourself in floods. It’s ok; this is all part of the process.
My biggest realisation
Now at 29, when I reflect on my younger self who was devastated by the realisation that this person no longer loved me, I see someone who needed to learn to love herself. Looking back, much of my pain and longing stemmed from not having built a home within myself. A home, you may ask?
The great thing is, is that all us of can start building our own home, within ourselves. Regardless of your past. You can start right now.
I first encountered the concept of building our own home through Najwa Zebian’s book ‘Welcome Home.’ It’s a powerful read that guides you in healing your inner space, enabling better navigation of relationships. Zebian illustrates how to construct rooms in this metaphorical home—rooms such as self-love, forgiveness, compassion, clarity, and surrender. I highly recommend it.
She writes in her book..
We invest in other people and we evaluate our self worth based on how much those homes welcome us. But, what many don’t realise is that when you build your home in other people you give them the power to make you homeless.
I didn’t value myself enough, and my self-esteem was on the floor. I was co-dependent, yearning for their love despite not loving myself. Initially unaware of this, it was through time and healing that I came to this realisation.
Healing
Some pointers…
Allow yourself to feel all your emotions. Don’t judge the intensity of these feelings; they reflect the beauty of your big heart—a gift not everyone has.
No contact. I don’t want to hear, but we can still stay friends! You need to start the process of moving forward without this person. Sometimes we still hold on to soften the blow. This will only delay the healing.
Take your time through the process. Avoid distracting yourself by entering another relationship when you know you’re not ready
Pour you’re energy back into you! Date yourself, start a new hobby, cook yourself some delish meals, have movie nights with friends. Get your hair done (no reckless decisions).
Surround yourself with friends and family that can support and listen to you. Make sure they make you laugh. You need to laugh!
Rage room. I haven’t done this, but I’ve always thought what a wonderful activity to do after a break up! Google it.
We’ve probably heard some of these points before, they may seem obvious to some, but they are a foundational recipe for moving forward.
If something is to be it would just be.
Navigating through heartbreak is a messy process. It’s very personal, it takes you to emotions you might not have experienced before. Give yourself lots of compassion. I firmly believe that if something is to be it would just be. We cannot control what life throws to us, all we can control is how we will move through it.
I want to finish with this gorgeous poem I heard called Love after Love by Derek Walcott.
The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.
BIG LOVES
Em
This is a beautiful piece, Emily! You articulate the delicacy and vulnerability of heartache so well. I love the concept of building a home in yourself - if you can’t look out for yourself first, there’s not much room for looking out for others as well. 💕